Vulnerable

Saturday evening after church, while sitting in traffic, slowly making our way towards home, I had a good long conversation with my friend, Samantha. You know, one of those heart-to-heart kind of conversations. The kind that I don't have very often. It felt good to share from a little deeper part of my soul. The ironic thing was that I was sharing with her that I don't share very much or very often; that I don't like putting myself out there, making myself known, or letting myself feel vulnerable.

There are a lot of people in my life that know different parts about me – my parents and brothers, my best friend, my Saipan family, my church friends, the people I work with, and the other random friends I have scattered all around the world – each of these people groups know about different aspects of my life to varying degrees, but I've never let any one of them really know all of me, that part of my heart that I've never fully exposed.

Maybe that should be reserved for God alone. Maybe it's my way of protecting my heart from hurt. Maybe I'm saving that for someone really special. I dunno. But whichever it is, I think I'm kinda cheating myself out of deeper relationships. I'm not exactly a “what-you-see-is-what-you-get” kind of girl, there's a lot more than meets the eye, and I think most of that is overlooked, underestimated, and misunderstood because I'm not putting it out there. I don't like feeling vulnerable, in fact, it pretty much terrifies me. But it felt really good to feel a little exposed when I was talking with Samantha. It felt real and raw. I need more of that.